I have been depressed for 25 years. I remember the first time I recognized that I am depressed. We were watching America's Funniest Home Videos together as a family. It was always one of my favorite shows and that night it wasn't funny anymore. After that I remember not being really happy about holidays or my birthday or really anything else. I've had happy moments, but I'm stuck in my own little pit of depression. It is hormone based, gets worse closer to my period, better a few days later, but most of the time that I laugh or smile or goof around is just a way to keep people from seeing me. I can only think of two people who I was 100% me with, and I am no longer in touch with one of them and the other I'm divorcing. Depression is a physical and emotional pain. I feel it from head to toe. It clusters around my heart and diaphragm and sometimes I hold my breath just to keep it down. I've been on several regimens of antidepressants and go through therapy sessions weekly. Therapy is hard. It's not about fixing topical problems, it's about getting deep down to the root of the feelings and letting yourself feel them and trying to figure out a way to better deal with the pain. It's hard for me to go to therapy every week. It's not very comfortable to put those feelings out and feel them and let the pain come out. It feels better afterwards, but the thought of going to therapy turns my stomach. I've made a lot of progress, but I'm such an emotional creature that I treat one feeling and then add 100 more to the pain.
I don't want to be in pain anymore. It affects the whole family. I'm mean and grumpy and snap at people and I overthink everything and I blame myself for every problem and I see myself as a failure and I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything but the pain. I'm going to die soon.