My series of rules to live by

Life is hard. Socializing is necessary, unfortunately.  That being said, you can minimize your negative social interactions if you follow some basic human behaviors.

For example: if it's not nice, don't say it. I'm not telling everyone to suck up to everyone, but find a nicer way to talk about something that might be hard to discuss. Weight, never talk about someone's weight. Everyone is sensitive about some aspect of their physical appearance and I would guess a large percentage have weight issues. If you're concerned, make sure that you're close enough with that person to discuss the topic. Say something like "hey, a while ago you said you might like to start taking walks, want to try that out together?"

That right there is supporting the other person's fitness goal without saying "get up and walk fatty, your couch is sinking!" 

If you find it impossible to come up with a nicer way to say something, look at yourself. Think about why you can't say things nicer. Were you raised with parents who constantly criticized you or other people? Are you deflecting your own insecure feelings? How would such a statement feel to you?

If you find a problem within yourself, no need to worry or freak out. Simply try to think out your responses and comments before you say them.

No offense. That's just bad manners. By saying "no offense" it shows that you do in fact know this is a touchy subject, but hey, say it anyway! Nothing nice ever comes before or after the statement "no offense."

If you find yourself receiving such negative remarks, look at yourself. Are you being too sensitive? Did the person mean well? Did they offer assistance?

Always stand up for yourself. Maybe not immediately, but think for a minute, then respond. It's ok to tell someone that they've hurt your feelings. If you don't say it, they'll continue to offend you. This can lead to broken relationships and loneliness. 

If you feel someone is being too sensitive, always check the facts. What did I say? What did he/she say? What was the context or overall general feeling to the conversation that led up to the negativity?

Energy Vampires will be sure to continue the negativity. They will suck the energy out of you until you explode. It's ok to banish people from your life. It's ok to give second chances. Make sure you're true to you, and you are able to share your love without harm.

Day 1

I looked on the World Wide Web for some lavender growing advice. The sites insaw all said to remove all dead branches and that these clippings could be used to grow new plants. I'm trying this in 3 containers. One of the containers is a cut up 20oz Coke bottle inverted with the lid on lightly. So that the moisture is a constant. This bottle contains probably 75% dirt and the rest is coffee grinds (used, Green Mountain Breakfast Blend.Keurig variety) and the remnants of a used organic tea bag (Calming, Yogi) I'm hoping to see some growth. If not, this was a neat experiment.

I had three small planters and two rather large planters that had deceased residents. These planters have been tombs for several months, and I hate to get rid of soil (it's dirt!) so I took a 64oz Sweet Tea bottle and cut off the top. That container held the soil and supply's of the three small planters. I placed the lid on top of the soil, it fit right inside the bottle body.  The other two planters had their sad memories and soil placed in two plastic milk jugs. All I did was cut around the top of each bottle to separate the top of the handle, poured in the soil and all of it's cherished loved ones, and put a tiny bits of water in with the clippings I removed from the lavender plant (the unused portions) and tucked to top into the side of the bottle. These three bottles are sitting on my back porch for a future mission. I really hope that one day I won't kill all plants.

Good vs. Bad

 Why do women go for the bad guys when there are so many good guys around? While messaging with a variety of people, I've come to the conclusion that women choose the bad guy because he is always first to jump out and deceive us women into believing that he's truly interested. And he'll do anything to take advantage of at risk women (like those of us with anxiety, depression, etc) because we've got low self esteem, hate change, get comfortable and don't want to leave it, and we want to believe they really are the good guy.

My data: since graduating high school many moons ago, I've been contacted by a variety of people I knew back then. Some were friends I lost contact with, others were just acquaintances, one or two were people I crushed on. The majority of the nice guys tell me that they had a huge crush on me but never asked me out because they never thought that they would never get a yes. Pretty much the same reason I have never initiated a relationship, I never believe I would get a yes, but am very comfortable saying no. The guys I'm talking about who didn't ask me out were very sweet, cute, supportive, friendly, and I always just wanted the romantic views of relationships. And the bad guys were full of the romantic crap.

The guys who've just contacted me for a physical relationship only ever just want to discuss sex. They say things like "You're hot, just like in high school" or my fave "Hey, I know you were friends with so and so in school, I was looking at their friends list and always thought you were pretty and nice" in school,are you single? If so, let's go out and see what happens?" That right there is a perfect hook. Seems innocent enough, yet their confidence and braveness is so warming that I instantly want to jump at the chance. Just enough compliment to make me feel like maybe they've been thinking of me for the last 15 years and now they've found me and the fairy tale starts.

I've learned to message back and forth for several days before deciding to go with it. If they're not genuine it comes out in about a week. That's when they start "So, when will you be free?" Or "Do you ever get time without your kids?" Or " You said that the kids go with their dad sometimes, anyway that's happening sooner than later?" If they want to get to me, they've got to be patient. Real crushes don't die so quickly. 

I did go out with a couple of my guy friends from high school. They were sweet back then, they're still sweet, but sometimes they just want to be physical, other times I'm not exactly what they imagined me to be like, or I've changed since high school. Or we're both afraid to commit because it's scary and intimidating.

In the end, don't be afraid to make him wait until you are comfortable. The bad guys usually fall away faster than the bad guys.

Narcissist

I married one. My life makes a little more sense now.

Things we tell our kids that make lifelong impression.

Almost everyone has heard it. "You just wait until your father comes home!" "I'll give you something to cry about."

We jokingly put these types of things in memes or in comments, but is it really a joke?

These phrases were the start of my mental illness. I'm not blaming my parents, I don't think, but when a person is crying and you tell them you'll give them something to cry about, it moves the validity of what is making them cry over to being afraid of whatever punishment for crying may be given. They're having a new fear added to their fears. When telling the child that the other person is going to be more harsh with punishment instilled fear of that person more than of what the punishment might be.

We are essentially training our kids behaviors, fears, likes, and dislikes.

I will never claim to be the perfect mother. I want my kids to feel safe coming to me when there's trouble, know that I can help them without someone else leading the way. I have never said they should just wait until their father gets home in a manner of eventual punishment. Punishment isn't always the answer. Discipline works better.

I teach my kids right from wrong by actually discussing the situation at hand. Praise them for the good, but also explain why the action or behavior is unacceptable when it's bad. It's repetitive. Exhausting. But it's worth it.

Things my parents never prepared me for.

I'm not necessarily upset. There are some things that parents CANNOT prepare their kids for, good or bad. New flavors of skittles. New flavors of jelly beans. Coke or Pepsi. But right now the biggest thing I was never prepared for and it didn't hit me until like and hour ago is that tomorrow I will be a single mom at a gay wedding. I'm so happy for my friends. They are adorable and happy, they deserve this. Gay marriage just wasn't imaginable when I was growing up. Wedding Crashers had no gay weddings. I've never been to a wedding single before. And I have kids. Do single moms pick up guys at weddings? Do we pick up girls at weddings? Will it be like most nights where I'm exhausted by 8pm and ready to just go home. Will someone want to dance with me? Gay or straight?

I know a wedding is a wedding, but I've never done this single. I know there will be straight guys there, but I'm 33 now, are there even any guys out there interested in 33yo spinsters with kids?

I'm sure it will be fine. But I guess shaving and maintenance is a must now!

Poor

JBeing poor sucks ass. I'm not saying that because I have a million things I want to buy, in fact the only thing I want to buy right now is a cinnamon bun.

I say this because there are levels of poor and you are treated based on that level.

Example:

Temporarily poor: lost your job, looking for a new one.

Living paycheck to paycheck: could be solved with a budget (wish I could turn back time)

Living great, paid for by the gov't with no guilt: I think the description says it all. These are the people who really could work but don't because then they'd get less free stuff.

Educationally poor: grew up in a hard life. Had to make money at a young age to help support the family. They actually struggle to make things work, education had to wait.

Mental Illness sufferers, extreme: some people with mental illness just can't life very well. It might have been a lifelong problem, or they took too many hits over the years that they just can't life. It's not for lack of trying. A lot of these people are the ones who have a long history of job hopping, or do low level jobs because there is only so much space that can be taken up by trying to look like you're fine.

Homeless: No one loves them, but we all feel sorry for them. Genuine homeless, not the pretenders who panhandle instead of work. They usually live in assisted living homes or shelters.

Complete Poverty: first world countries have this, but no one "knows," we try to pretend that our country is just fine and we're on top of things. But we hide these families, shun the caretakers (deservedly so in most cases, but some genuinely just couldn't take care of the family) and then set up fundraisers and scholarships for the young and they get the best of foster homes or adoptive parents.

No one treats any level of poor kindly without motivation. Churches give food, the congregation feels fulfilled in it's generosity. Shelters allow homeless people a temporary home. Then they are put back on the street. The shelter is able to report a great turn over of residents moving out, making it look like its helping. Thrift stores sell discounted things. But where do these things come from? Donations. So, where does the money go? They have to pay people to help poor people. And I've been witness to employees putting back the "Good Stuff" for themselves to purchase. Building expenses, utilities, blah blah. I believe those are discounted or can be written off as a business expense. Volunteering. It's no longer a generous way to help our fellow beings. Recognition is always given somehow. You can write it off on your taxes and at your funeral it will probably come up in your eulogy. Criminals have community service hours, I bet those are not listed among the deeds done in life. There are teens who volunteer just because it boosts a class grade, or it looks good on college applications, maybe even a job résumé.

What are we doing for these people that is really useful to their specific need? I'm part of the mental illness crowd. I've been battling for sixteen years to be a successful person. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Some because I'm human, others because I just have no idea how to interact in normal situations. I'm awkward, clumsy, nervous. I have the outcome of all situations already completed in my head, and I just can't feel stupid or failing any longer. So I don't feel. Being that one of my biggest problems right now is that I've got no desire to clean or make real meals. I have even stopped faking happiness around my kids. I do take meds and see a therapist, but they're paid for help. If I jump off of a bridge my psychologist and therapist look like they're failing so they try to help, sometimes only discouraging the reaching out for help urge.

I appreciate the food donated to my family, and the money our church gives us for groceries in the spring, and clothes donated, clothes my mil buys the kids, even though she throws it in my face.

But what I really need is a person to come to my house and work with me all day. In my home. To show me problem solving, show me organization, and to do so non-judgementally. Advice rarely makes it past the giver's lips. 

I live in public housing. I can't keep it together so I'm being evicted. My landlord has no clue how hard I've worked to always have the trash out and do the little cleaning that I do get completed. She sees me as lazy and unclean. She treats me like I'm less than her because I need help. Unfortunately she is in charge of my housing lease and holds it over my head like she holds my whole being and existence in her hand. And she enjoys it. Always condescending and accusatory, she calls my house dirty when really it's just cluttered. There is no dirty trash in the house. I admit my shortcomings, I'm mentally ill and need help before I lose everything. And all of the people available to help are looking down on those less fortunate.

I've exhausted all of my resources. I've lost all of my friends, and I'm pretty sure that my family has slipped too.