Friday, April 15, 2016

Is there really a rock bottom?

Every time I feel like I've hit rock bottom, the next day I somehow stumble upon a newer, deeper, rock bottom. I can't remember all of the layers of the earth but I can't be far from the magma center.

My life is a disturbing game of "how many licks does it take?" Instead of a lollipop it's my life and spirit. My life feels out of control and moving at an extreme pace, faster and faster.

No one would notice if I were gone. I have no family aside from my kids and even they do better without me.

I have no motivation or energy. At this point I don't even know how I would kill myself. Pills are unreliable, so is drowning. I don't want to burn. No one will shoot me or stab me. Hanging is how I see it, but I'm afraid to hang. 

I want me back. But I think she's gone forever. I used to be happy and confident. Now I'm grumpy and secluded.

I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I'd get shot at random, or someone broke in and killed me. It would be so much easier.

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