Saturday, August 20, 2016

Dating: No wonder you're single.

If you are online dating like so many other people are, you will find a great number of creeps. Please just don't be one of them.

I've gotten messages for hook ups, asked my bra size, asked my shoe size 😝, and told I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet, am I interested in a three way? Uh, no.

One thing that shocks me is that people are more than willing to be a creep nearly from the start. 

I guess that shouldn't shock me as much as the guys who are straight up ignorant, narcissistic, and racist.

The last one gets me most. When dating, confidence matters. But boiling to the worst point in your life and putting that within the first conversation is just stupid:
That is a real conversation, edited only to hide the individual's racist face. Actually, his pix looked ok. I don't respond to people if they don't look at least a little attractive. But those images are broken with his verbiage and anger.

This person is someone, from reading his profile, I wouldn't have thought would be so negative. He was born with a hearing disability, and his profile seemed very well spoken. I'm sure that he's been discrimated against, called names, teased, bullied, etc. but that doesn't give a person the right to pass on that hatred.

Muggers aren't all black. Not all loud cars belong to black people.

Before you date, really think about who you are, what you want, and how you present yourself.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Dating Site Turn Offs

This dating thing is strange and new. But there are definitely things that I know bug me, and probably all women, or maybe most.

Pix with your ex. Everyone has a phone that takes pictures. I'm sure that it's not that difficult to find a decent photo. Heck, I've done it. Ok, so you look great in the ex pic, and you and your ex are friends... But I don't want to constantly be worried that she'll swoop back in.

Pix with ex/someone obviously cut out. Why is there a floating hand? Who is touch your face, making you have fishy lips? Are you holding both of those glasses of champagne? Take a selfie.

Pix with people's faces actually blurred while their bodies are still there. Really. Couldn't even crop? It's easier than smudging people out. Selfie.

Words are hard to come by. It's not easy to just pop in a conversation with a total stranger... Unless you actually read their profile! What a great source for conversation! Cute feature? Ask about it. Strange hobby? Talk about it? Simply saying hi isn't enough for the recipient to build off of. The only other info they have about you is your pic, and let's face it, if they aren't attracted to you that hi was a waste of your time. I even respond to cheesy stuff, like "How about you teach me how to crochet with pasta?" Ok, I haven't gotten that one yet, but it's close enough to what I do get.

Make an effort folks! Get that guy/girl! 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Narcissist post: update on last post

So I spoke to my dearly estranged husband and told him about his mother's comments. He already knew. She had told him that I didn't have ice.

This is another way narcissistic people drain away energy. They make sure that everyone around knows the flaws in you that they perceive. If the narcissist is influential enough they can get other people to look down on you as well.

Thankfully dear old hubs defended me completely. He told his mom that freezing water is not beneficial to the nutrient needs of our children and that he's glad my freezer is full of food.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Perfect example of Narcissism. #1

My (estranged) husband's mom is textbook narcissist. Everything anyone does is never good enough. And I'm sure I can find a billion and one examples. Here is an example of how a narcissist thinks the world revolves around them, therefore they're smarter than everyone, and everyone should just know what the narcissist wants or needs in advance and be fully prepared.

I'm currently without a running vehicle. She volunteered my husband's father to take my son to an appointment today. She picked my son up yesterday on her way home from work so that my father-in-law didn't have to rush to pick him up. She texted asking for ice. I didn't get a chance to text back before she got here, so I went to the car to let her know I don't have ice, she said "Do you have a freezer?" I said yes, so she said " Do you have ice cube trays?" I said yes, then she said " Fill up the ice cube trays and put them in the freezer, then you'll have ice!" I told her that my freezer is full of food and she said "that's good, I guess"

I'm raising three of her grandkids. Feeding them is my priority. Ice is technically considered a luxury if it's not being used to keep parishable foods  from spoiling. It's not my priority to keep her beverages cold. And is rather have a freezer full of food, than a freezer full of frozen water that offers no nutrients to my kids.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Plants: day 14

There is stuff growing. I'm not 100% sure what that stuff is, but it's growing!

I believe the big plants are Moonflowers, the oval shaped leaves could be Rosemary or basil, and the triangular leaves might be lavender. I'm not sure, but I'm having fun!

Friday, July 22, 2016

My series of rules to live by

Life is hard. Socializing is necessary, unfortunately.  That being said, you can minimize your negative social interactions if you follow some basic human behaviors.

For example: if it's not nice, don't say it. I'm not telling everyone to suck up to everyone, but find a nicer way to talk about something that might be hard to discuss. Weight, never talk about someone's weight. Everyone is sensitive about some aspect of their physical appearance and I would guess a large percentage have weight issues. If you're concerned, make sure that you're close enough with that person to discuss the topic. Say something like "hey, a while ago you said you might like to start taking walks, want to try that out together?"

That right there is supporting the other person's fitness goal without saying "get up and walk fatty, your couch is sinking!" 

If you find it impossible to come up with a nicer way to say something, look at yourself. Think about why you can't say things nicer. Were you raised with parents who constantly criticized you or other people? Are you deflecting your own insecure feelings? How would such a statement feel to you?

If you find a problem within yourself, no need to worry or freak out. Simply try to think out your responses and comments before you say them.

No offense. That's just bad manners. By saying "no offense" it shows that you do in fact know this is a touchy subject, but hey, say it anyway! Nothing nice ever comes before or after the statement "no offense."

If you find yourself receiving such negative remarks, look at yourself. Are you being too sensitive? Did the person mean well? Did they offer assistance?

Always stand up for yourself. Maybe not immediately, but think for a minute, then respond. It's ok to tell someone that they've hurt your feelings. If you don't say it, they'll continue to offend you. This can lead to broken relationships and loneliness. 

If you feel someone is being too sensitive, always check the facts. What did I say? What did he/she say? What was the context or overall general feeling to the conversation that led up to the negativity?

Energy Vampires will be sure to continue the negativity. They will suck the energy out of you until you explode. It's ok to banish people from your life. It's ok to give second chances. Make sure you're true to you, and you are able to share your love without harm.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Day 1

I looked on the World Wide Web for some lavender growing advice. The sites insaw all said to remove all dead branches and that these clippings could be used to grow new plants. I'm trying this in 3 containers. One of the containers is a cut up 20oz Coke bottle inverted with the lid on lightly. So that the moisture is a constant. This bottle contains probably 75% dirt and the rest is coffee grinds (used, Green Mountain Breakfast Blend.Keurig variety) and the remnants of a used organic tea bag (Calming, Yogi) I'm hoping to see some growth. If not, this was a neat experiment.

I had three small planters and two rather large planters that had deceased residents. These planters have been tombs for several months, and I hate to get rid of soil (it's dirt!) so I took a 64oz Sweet Tea bottle and cut off the top. That container held the soil and supply's of the three small planters. I placed the lid on top of the soil, it fit right inside the bottle body.  The other two planters had their sad memories and soil placed in two plastic milk jugs. All I did was cut around the top of each bottle to separate the top of the handle, poured in the soil and all of it's cherished loved ones, and put a tiny bits of water in with the clippings I removed from the lavender plant (the unused portions) and tucked to top into the side of the bottle. These three bottles are sitting on my back porch for a future mission. I really hope that one day I won't kill all plants.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Good vs. Bad

 Why do women go for the bad guys when there are so many good guys around? While messaging with a variety of people, I've come to the conclusion that women choose the bad guy because he is always first to jump out and deceive us women into believing that he's truly interested. And he'll do anything to take advantage of at risk women (like those of us with anxiety, depression, etc) because we've got low self esteem, hate change, get comfortable and don't want to leave it, and we want to believe they really are the good guy.

My data: since graduating high school many moons ago, I've been contacted by a variety of people I knew back then. Some were friends I lost contact with, others were just acquaintances, one or two were people I crushed on. The majority of the nice guys tell me that they had a huge crush on me but never asked me out because they never thought that they would never get a yes. Pretty much the same reason I have never initiated a relationship, I never believe I would get a yes, but am very comfortable saying no. The guys I'm talking about who didn't ask me out were very sweet, cute, supportive, friendly, and I always just wanted the romantic views of relationships. And the bad guys were full of the romantic crap.

The guys who've just contacted me for a physical relationship only ever just want to discuss sex. They say things like "You're hot, just like in high school" or my fave "Hey, I know you were friends with so and so in school, I was looking at their friends list and always thought you were pretty and nice" in school,are you single? If so, let's go out and see what happens?" That right there is a perfect hook. Seems innocent enough, yet their confidence and braveness is so warming that I instantly want to jump at the chance. Just enough compliment to make me feel like maybe they've been thinking of me for the last 15 years and now they've found me and the fairy tale starts.

I've learned to message back and forth for several days before deciding to go with it. If they're not genuine it comes out in about a week. That's when they start "So, when will you be free?" Or "Do you ever get time without your kids?" Or " You said that the kids go with their dad sometimes, anyway that's happening sooner than later?" If they want to get to me, they've got to be patient. Real crushes don't die so quickly. 

I did go out with a couple of my guy friends from high school. They were sweet back then, they're still sweet, but sometimes they just want to be physical, other times I'm not exactly what they imagined me to be like, or I've changed since high school. Or we're both afraid to commit because it's scary and intimidating.

In the end, don't be afraid to make him wait until you are comfortable. The bad guys usually fall away faster than the bad guys.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Friday, June 3, 2016

Things we tell our kids that make lifelong impression.

Almost everyone has heard it. "You just wait until your father comes home!" "I'll give you something to cry about."

We jokingly put these types of things in memes or in comments, but is it really a joke?

These phrases were the start of my mental illness. I'm not blaming my parents, I don't think, but when a person is crying and you tell them you'll give them something to cry about, it moves the validity of what is making them cry over to being afraid of whatever punishment for crying may be given. They're having a new fear added to their fears. When telling the child that the other person is going to be more harsh with punishment instilled fear of that person more than of what the punishment might be.

We are essentially training our kids behaviors, fears, likes, and dislikes.

I will never claim to be the perfect mother. I want my kids to feel safe coming to me when there's trouble, know that I can help them without someone else leading the way. I have never said they should just wait until their father gets home in a manner of eventual punishment. Punishment isn't always the answer. Discipline works better.

I teach my kids right from wrong by actually discussing the situation at hand. Praise them for the good, but also explain why the action or behavior is unacceptable when it's bad. It's repetitive. Exhausting. But it's worth it.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Things my parents never prepared me for.

I'm not necessarily upset. There are some things that parents CANNOT prepare their kids for, good or bad. New flavors of skittles. New flavors of jelly beans. Coke or Pepsi. But right now the biggest thing I was never prepared for and it didn't hit me until like and hour ago is that tomorrow I will be a single mom at a gay wedding. I'm so happy for my friends. They are adorable and happy, they deserve this. Gay marriage just wasn't imaginable when I was growing up. Wedding Crashers had no gay weddings. I've never been to a wedding single before. And I have kids. Do single moms pick up guys at weddings? Do we pick up girls at weddings? Will it be like most nights where I'm exhausted by 8pm and ready to just go home. Will someone want to dance with me? Gay or straight?

I know a wedding is a wedding, but I've never done this single. I know there will be straight guys there, but I'm 33 now, are there even any guys out there interested in 33yo spinsters with kids?

I'm sure it will be fine. But I guess shaving and maintenance is a must now!

Sunday, May 8, 2016


JBeing poor sucks ass. I'm not saying that because I have a million things I want to buy, in fact the only thing I want to buy right now is a cinnamon bun.

I say this because there are levels of poor and you are treated based on that level.


Temporarily poor: lost your job, looking for a new one.

Living paycheck to paycheck: could be solved with a budget (wish I could turn back time)

Living great, paid for by the gov't with no guilt: I think the description says it all. These are the people who really could work but don't because then they'd get less free stuff.

Educationally poor: grew up in a hard life. Had to make money at a young age to help support the family. They actually struggle to make things work, education had to wait.

Mental Illness sufferers, extreme: some people with mental illness just can't life very well. It might have been a lifelong problem, or they took too many hits over the years that they just can't life. It's not for lack of trying. A lot of these people are the ones who have a long history of job hopping, or do low level jobs because there is only so much space that can be taken up by trying to look like you're fine.

Homeless: No one loves them, but we all feel sorry for them. Genuine homeless, not the pretenders who panhandle instead of work. They usually live in assisted living homes or shelters.

Complete Poverty: first world countries have this, but no one "knows," we try to pretend that our country is just fine and we're on top of things. But we hide these families, shun the caretakers (deservedly so in most cases, but some genuinely just couldn't take care of the family) and then set up fundraisers and scholarships for the young and they get the best of foster homes or adoptive parents.

No one treats any level of poor kindly without motivation. Churches give food, the congregation feels fulfilled in it's generosity. Shelters allow homeless people a temporary home. Then they are put back on the street. The shelter is able to report a great turn over of residents moving out, making it look like its helping. Thrift stores sell discounted things. But where do these things come from? Donations. So, where does the money go? They have to pay people to help poor people. And I've been witness to employees putting back the "Good Stuff" for themselves to purchase. Building expenses, utilities, blah blah. I believe those are discounted or can be written off as a business expense. Volunteering. It's no longer a generous way to help our fellow beings. Recognition is always given somehow. You can write it off on your taxes and at your funeral it will probably come up in your eulogy. Criminals have community service hours, I bet those are not listed among the deeds done in life. There are teens who volunteer just because it boosts a class grade, or it looks good on college applications, maybe even a job résumé.

What are we doing for these people that is really useful to their specific need? I'm part of the mental illness crowd. I've been battling for sixteen years to be a successful person. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. Some because I'm human, others because I just have no idea how to interact in normal situations. I'm awkward, clumsy, nervous. I have the outcome of all situations already completed in my head, and I just can't feel stupid or failing any longer. So I don't feel. Being that one of my biggest problems right now is that I've got no desire to clean or make real meals. I have even stopped faking happiness around my kids. I do take meds and see a therapist, but they're paid for help. If I jump off of a bridge my psychologist and therapist look like they're failing so they try to help, sometimes only discouraging the reaching out for help urge.

I appreciate the food donated to my family, and the money our church gives us for groceries in the spring, and clothes donated, clothes my mil buys the kids, even though she throws it in my face.

But what I really need is a person to come to my house and work with me all day. In my home. To show me problem solving, show me organization, and to do so non-judgementally. Advice rarely makes it past the giver's lips. 

I live in public housing. I can't keep it together so I'm being evicted. My landlord has no clue how hard I've worked to always have the trash out and do the little cleaning that I do get completed. She sees me as lazy and unclean. She treats me like I'm less than her because I need help. Unfortunately she is in charge of my housing lease and holds it over my head like she holds my whole being and existence in her hand. And she enjoys it. Always condescending and accusatory, she calls my house dirty when really it's just cluttered. There is no dirty trash in the house. I admit my shortcomings, I'm mentally ill and need help before I lose everything. And all of the people available to help are looking down on those less fortunate.

I've exhausted all of my resources. I've lost all of my friends, and I'm pretty sure that my family has slipped too.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Is there really a rock bottom?

Every time I feel like I've hit rock bottom, the next day I somehow stumble upon a newer, deeper, rock bottom. I can't remember all of the layers of the earth but I can't be far from the magma center.

My life is a disturbing game of "how many licks does it take?" Instead of a lollipop it's my life and spirit. My life feels out of control and moving at an extreme pace, faster and faster.

No one would notice if I were gone. I have no family aside from my kids and even they do better without me.

I have no motivation or energy. At this point I don't even know how I would kill myself. Pills are unreliable, so is drowning. I don't want to burn. No one will shoot me or stab me. Hanging is how I see it, but I'm afraid to hang. 

I want me back. But I think she's gone forever. I used to be happy and confident. Now I'm grumpy and secluded.

I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I'd get shot at random, or someone broke in and killed me. It would be so much easier.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

A sad reminder

I planted a few plants today. Sitting here staring at my new babies I am reminded of when you brought your plants to Ohio so you could keep them alive. I wonder what happened to those plants. Did you let them go the way you let me go?

I got this, I saw it on Pinterest!

Oh the number of times I've said that. Typically I can do what I find on Pinterest, but I add my own twist or change it up.

I decided to make a terrarium and found a great jar at the Goodwill. I got the supplies and realized that the jar isn't big enough for all of the plants. I've got Rosemary, Lavender, a Venus Fly trap, and a pitcher plant. Gracie has been begging for bug eating plants.

Today I ended up planting the bug plants in an old fashioned candy jar that I got from the Goodwill a few years ago. It had been sitting on my counter with one (1) candy cane in it for nearly two years.

Now, looking at the rosemary and Lavender, I know I need them in two separate containers.

My thought process for the terrarium was to have an easy way to grow plants without killing them. Now I find myself  back to several containers. I'm determined not to murder these ones. 

So, here goes the journey to keeping plants alive!

PS. How is it that I can keep tiny humans alive but I'm a plant serial killer?

Friday, March 18, 2016

Two way roads

Friendships should go both ways. It's occurred to me lately that nearly all of my friends are takers. I will listen, hug, wipe tears, cry, and shun meanies for all of my friends. The moment I need comfort, Cassy and Andrew pull through. Always. Everyone else ignores any communication with me. So I've decided that I'm not being used anymore. Call me because you're having a rough time just a week after ignoring a text seeking help. I get it, we all need support, but if you're not there when I need you, why should I listen to you?

So, Cassy, Andrew, you're my go to peeps.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

New project, glass etching!!!

So much activity in my life. Just when it looked bright, the earth shook and I tumbled back down. Face forward.

So, I have had to force myself to life. Creating and focusing on the wee ones has focused me to not sleep all day and night. Still sleeping a lot, but redeveloping myself takes longer and longer each time I fall.

So I see this cute project on Pinterest. Glass etching. I like challenges, so I learned about it, bought the supplies, waited two months for a design I loved, and finally finished the mirror I was planning on for Topher's parents' 40th anniversary. A month late.

Here's the process. 

I left out the actual etching part. All it it is special cream (?) you buy at most craft stores, use a paint brush to put a thick layer over the stencil, wait five minutes and wash it off, remove stencil, and you're done!

Sunday, January 3, 2016

My mood afghan 2015

I'm three days in, and so far it's a labor of dectecting my own emotions instead of other people's. I spontaneously switched color on my hexagon today because I got so very very angry. So, days can be like that. More than one mood.