Two way roads

Friendships should go both ways. It's occurred to me lately that nearly all of my friends are takers. I will listen, hug, wipe tears, cry, and shun meanies for all of my friends. The moment I need comfort, Cassy and Andrew pull through. Always. Everyone else ignores any communication with me. So I've decided that I'm not being used anymore. Call me because you're having a rough time just a week after ignoring a text seeking help. I get it, we all need support, but if you're not there when I need you, why should I listen to you?

So, Cassy, Andrew, you're my go to peeps.

New project, glass etching!!!

 

So much activity in my life. Just when it looked bright, the earth shook and I tumbled back down. Face forward.

So, I have had to force myself to life. Creating and focusing on the wee ones has focused me to not sleep all day and night. Still sleeping a lot, but redeveloping myself takes longer and longer each time I fall.

So I see this cute project on Pinterest. Glass etching. I like challenges, so I learned about it, bought the supplies, waited two months for a design I loved, and finally finished the mirror I was planning on for Topher's parents' 40th anniversary. A month late.

Here's the process. 

I left out the actual etching part. All it it is special cream (?) you buy at most craft stores, use a paint brush to put a thick layer over the stencil, wait five minutes and wash it off, remove stencil, and you're done!

My mood afghan 2015

I'm three days in, and so far it's a labor of dectecting my own emotions instead of other people's. I spontaneously switched color on my hexagon today because I got so very very angry. So, days can be like that. More than one mood.

Ive been thinking

I have had a lot of positives lately and have reached out to people and have had people reach out to me.

It doesn't take anything elaborate to change a life. A simple "hello" and a smile to a stranger you pass, or smiling at other drivers. Give compliments where they're deserved. Let people know they are appreciated. Invite someone to hang out. Tell the truth. Let people know how you feel. Be loyal. 

I have recently had several occasions where I've felt completely hopeless. Overwhelmed, lonely, jealous, neglected, unloved, forgotten, angry, sad, anxious, irritated, sick, and almost gave in and took the pain of all of those emotions and let them consume me until I died.

Two people on two separate occasions unknowingly saved my life. I don't know if they know who they are, or if they know what they did. It got me thinking, "how would it feel to find out that you saved a life by offering the smallest gesture, and you did it unknowingly?" That's a very powerful feeling.

We never know what everyone is going through. Honestly, a lot of people don't understand mental illness. That's ok. As a person, you don't need to understand another person's mental status to show love and spread happiness. We can know someone so very deeply and still know nothing about the monster inside telling them to hurt themself. My theory is simple: since we don't know who is in crisis, smile at people, hold doors, compliment, be genuine, love freely, help someone with groceries. Smile at the fussy babies you see in the store. Smile at their mom or dad or whoever is with them, share a simple "so cute!" And reach out to one another.

If you're the person in crisis, reach out. It's hard. It sucks, and some people won't listen. Find a way to interact with the outside world, because in your own head, it's dark and scary and not honest. Sometimes reaching out is simply stepping outside and saying hi to a neighbor, mailman, or other passersby. It's a step. Little steps count. I'm told that little steps eventually grow into bigger steps. It's the most difficult and painful thing to do. Social anxiety is the most difficult task I'm working on. Walking up to a stranger crying in the tampon aisle and asking if they're ok, opens Windows for both people. It creates the ability for dialogue and support.

Show your kids how to smile and be nice. Noah was home sick one day and we went into Walgreens. There was a lady and gentleman who appeared upset about blood pressure cuffs and the customer service they had received. The cashier called a manager when the lady sat on the floor having an anxiety attack. I don't know how, but I started talking to her and listened to why they were upset and she calmed down and was able to effectively speak to the manager. Noah and I left the store and when we got in the car he said "That was very nice. I think you healed her." I was taken by surprise because it's not always common for me to just talk to strangers. In that moment I realized that not only had I helped the couple, but I helped myself by feeling like I did all that I could to help, and Noah learned that just by listening to someone you can make a difference. It's an empowering feeling knowing that you possibly changed the outcome of someone else's day and it didn't cost anything.

Instead of being closed off, open yourself to what matters most-- making a change, no matter how small, can be the start of something bigger.

Depression is pain

I have been depressed for 25 years.  I remember the first time I recognized that I am depressed.  We were watching America's Funniest Home Videos together as a family.  It was always one of my favorite shows and that night it wasn't funny anymore.  After that I remember not being really happy about holidays or my birthday or really anything else.  I've had happy moments, but I'm stuck in my own little pit of depression.  It is hormone based, gets worse closer to my period, better a few days later, but most of the time that I laugh or smile or goof around is just a way to keep people from seeing me.  I can only think of two people who I was 100% me with, and I am no longer in touch with one of them and the other I'm divorcing.  Depression is a physical and emotional pain.  I feel it from head to toe.  It clusters around my heart and diaphragm and sometimes I hold my breath just to keep it down.  I've been on several regimens of antidepressants and go through therapy sessions weekly.  Therapy is hard.  It's not about fixing topical problems, it's about getting deep down to the root of the feelings and letting yourself feel them and trying to figure out a way to better deal with the pain.  It's hard for me to go to therapy every week.  It's not very comfortable to put those feelings out and feel them and let the pain come out.  It feels better afterwards, but the thought of going to therapy turns my stomach.  I've made a lot of progress, but I'm such an emotional creature that I treat one feeling and then add 100 more to the pain.

I don't want to be in pain anymore.  It affects the whole family.  I'm mean and grumpy and snap at people and I overthink everything and I blame myself for every problem and I see myself as a failure and I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything but the pain.  I'm going to die soon.

I can't sleep.

And you'll never chat me to sleep ever again.  It's simply just not fair.  How can someone get away with ruining the lives of so many?  How can they break the hearts of dozens and not be punished?  You gave me dreams and encouraged me to be my best and even sought out crochet patterns.  You never asked for anything beyond love.  I was selfish and took you for granted.  I thought we had more time.  I want to wake from this nightmare and have you message me for pizza and a movie night.  I want your Peach Cobbler.  It's a sad realization that we'll never get to talk anymore.  You never got to nibble my ear, we never got to snuggle, and the only crocheted item I made for you was too late.

Sigh

I haven't been here in a while.  I don't know what the next step is.  I'm doing what I think the next step should be, but am I right?